Wondering and Wandering

I’m just wandering,


Wondering about how abysmally empty our lives could feel


If we could never hold onto each other one more time,

If we could never melt the gold dripping from our chests,

If we could never sleep behind each other’s back, 

Up south and east.

I’ll stop and sob, taking a moment to rest,

And wonder every day:


What if I’m never freed

From the sorrow grounded deep inside


And end up doing something stupid,

Like killing myself and all that?

I’ll take the blame, if that’s what you desire,

No matter how hard you try,
 

I’m tattooed in your delirium,

Speaking louder the older you get,

About the girl who used to sing

Or dance

Or write.

You’ll hear the wind whisper my name,

Learn the syllables with a familiar taste—

A long-lost memory, a few moments spent.

And I start to wonder 

How exceptionally easy it must be

To forget someone like me,

And how splendidly difficult

To remember I exist.

So then you can leave and erase all that’s tangled in me—

Some damned excuse to let go of my grip:

“It’s just the way it is.”


And here I am, perpetuating the fool again,

Believing you can love
and let go of the remains.

What if you’re never really there—


Just an illusion in my mind that keeps me awake all night?

I swore I saw you at the window,

Waving au revoir!
To whom, I may ask? 

Will we ever get to say goodbye?

Will I seek the waves in every piece I write


If I ever miss you too much?

In the farness of it all
there’s you—
 

Standing on the shore,


Aquamarine light blue,

Shimmering and feeling like a déjà vu.

The Princess of the Sea,


The one I could never live without—


I do not wish you to go away,


But I can’t seem to stop
 

What’s been pouring down the drains.

I’m wandering, always wondering,


Will I ever be too old to wish to be held by you?

Whenever I find myself standing as low as I am now,


Will you take my hand and lead every step,

As if I were born again—


With no idea about how to walk around this earth?

I will cling to every dot in every page,


Laughing like it’s the first time,


Innocently driven by mistake.

Jumping and running like it's too much to bear,

Following and copying every movement

Until we just look the same.

I’ll stare at you and think to myself
 

How much I wish I could grow up,

If that meant I could resemble 

The person I admire so much:

Blonde salt hair, eyes matching with the sea, 

Queen of every island,

I heard the sand foresee.

My older sister.

This is for you—

Even if you feel the need to shatter

And punch me in the face

To forget we ever met.

You'll look into the eyes of strangers,

Wishing it was me who made it in the end.

I’ll forever stay still,

Same place,

Same time too,

Until I get picked up

By a girl who looks just like you.

This is a lighthouse made of words,
So you can never forget my soul,
 

Or how the sun can burn 

And hide away the truth.